May is the mental health awareness month and what better way to create awareness like telling a story. Today we find me…
November 2015, my birthday weekend somewhere camping in Entebbe by the Lake Victoria in Uganda my home country.(wow am nervous)
For the first time then in a long while, I breathed.
Growing up I wanted to be an Engineer because my dad told me so. My grades didn’t support that dream, they were not so bad but not good enough. He said to me “you can’t handle sciences”. I cried, I pleaded but nothing.
From then on I was in school but not present. Time passed, the next level was to enrol for my Bachelor’s Degree. I did well at A-level and My mum was convinced I could do law. I flanked the pre-entry exams and then my cousin told me social sciences was a good choice because the field is diverse and has so many opportunities. And that’s how I have a degree in Social sciences and some good friends I picked along the way. I spent 5 years on a 3-year course. Got a retake in my final year and that got me questioning my existence. When I went to the results board, I remember how my heart sunk. I was not the best but failure was not me. I liked Average, I always found my way around school even without being present. My good friends who graduated in time made it a point to do another photoshoot with me in my time. I don’t know if they know this but that meant a lot to me. You saved me.
At the camp for the first time, I was a child again. Into the next day at midnight the campers happened to be singing(it was a music festival) and it was my birthday. They did a couple of originals for me, I felt special. So many good things happened that weekend, I went on my first boat cruise, countless nature walks, beautiful music and I learned to ride a bike. But why I remember this particular weekend is because I found me. I was broken but it was me. I was breathing and I was so glad I had made it to that weekend.
In my first year 2013/14 at the university, my parents finally separated and we lost our home. About the same time I found comfort in a toxic relationship. My years in University I was Dead on the inside. I blocked every hurt and only chose to remember the good things. I was, still am the nicest person I know. Always was there for everyone but myself and my family. The times I was alone I was either over sleeping, overeating or binging on a movie or a book. All that in attempt to not think about the pain. Ringtones, banging doors and physical fights triggered me, in those moments my anxiety would go up, I would fail to catch my breathe for a moment. I trained myself so well I would recover so fast no one would ever notice. On random days in the middle of the night I would wake up to cry , that always helped unload some of the pain.
That weekend, I remember feeling lighter than usual. As if at the realisation of how good life can be, a burden was lifted. It was all the small things that made a difference, the compliments of my beauty which I doubted, the beautiful music that healed my soul. The conversations,the sound of the waves by the lake, the people. Most of the people were strangers full of humility and kindness and there was so much love going around It changed my life.
I came back from that place a different person. The first thing I did was get out of that toxic relationship. I was already numb to emotions and so it wasn’t a hard thing to do. I went back to the place my mother helped me build. And that was CHRIST. I had a small foundation but never added to it. So I started to build. SPIRITUALITY has been key on this journey.
On this road I chose, I have come to realise you really do attract who you are.
Who you are is not the person struggling to exist. Who you are is the greatness with in you , that has been over shadowed by events that most of the time are not even your fault. when I decided I wanted more than just being a zombie, I had to put in the work to shine some light on the shadows.
All it takes is a little light. And kings shall come to your rising.
Guided by Grace I started intentional reading. My first read was battlefield of the mind by JOYCE MEYER. Because my greatest enemy was my mind.
Our actions are a direct result of our thoughts. If we have a negative mind, we will have a negative life…Extract from Battlefield of the mind.
I believe because of the personal steps I took after acknowledging I was lost, led me to the people that have played a big role in who I have become today. I attracted them by being honest about how I felt. That didn’t mean I was weak. It meant I am Human. People are the reason we hurt, people also make us. Humans I believe were made for relationship. And so we need each other. You just need to find your tribe and to do that, you have to make a move, a choice.
Mental health is invisible, no one will see it until you speak up.
Identity is something I struggle with, because of everything that has happened over the years,I can’t count how many mid life crisis’s I have been through. There was a time I was convinced I had no passion, but look at me now passionately putting these sentences together. Motherhood is a whole other tale. People will label you crazy and make you feel less of a woman. But regardless we move.
finding me is still on going, and identity is so wide and affected by so many things, at the end of the series I could be a different person and so we shall pause my story and shine the light on a couple of glorious hearts that overcame.
Yes it’s a series. 8 different stories.
Next Friday We shine the light on an attorney who spent 8 years doing the 9 month bar course. It hurt to see his colleagues progress while he remained stuck. See you next week on Finding OLUPOT PASCAL KING. A Christian, husband, father, Lawyer and poet.
Be kind, Be humble, spread love.