I know someone who always ends a discussion by saying;
“Since I don’t know how to end things I will just say it has ended”
I am having a debate in my head on how to start that may never end and so I have begun…..🙂
Hello there beautiful people.
I am back 💃💃💃💃💃 and It’s September. May this month come with blessings and money…lots of money.
what are you grateful for so far?
I am grateful for the life,light and love that surrounds me.
Right now am looking for the right strategy to explain how I missed this space… I missed pouring my heart out into this page and I missed you. I missed writing.
Let me start with highlights from August;
Am still trying to understand how the left side of both pairs of Eren’s (my daughter) play shoes decided to get lost on the same day.
I learned how to make spring rolls 💃💃💃
There is a weekend I spent reading mills & boon plus harlequin romance novels. I binge read 5 books in a row and totally neglected any aspect of my responsibility towards being a model citizen of the nation like bathing. (Also Love is a beautiful thing but does the theme always have to be a mean rich Boss or Mafia conquers secretary or maid.. The damsel is always in distress)
My favourite read of the season was stay with me by Ayobami Adebayo that highlighted the extreme roads a woman who is childless in marriage will go through just to bear a child, the pain of losing a child and many other unrealistic expectations placed on a married couple in the African setting.
I am in the middle of Maya Angelou’s I know why the caged bird sings and I am traumatised by what racism looks like.
I am yet to explore the Crime book by DK Shanna Hogan and am planning a weekend to binge through Tom Clancy.
In short I think I caught up with my target to read 2 books a month this year because I read 10 books in August.
I wrote a poem the first week of August I will peel my skin off that opened a can of worms for me forcing me into an unplanned sabbatical.
When I was younger about 16, I taught myself how to block any negative emotion that quickly grew into numbing pain. I later became a master at ignoring hurt and grief to the point people around me thought and still think I am just so kind and forgiving and great at moving on from any hurtful situations. Naturally am not the type to hang on to conflict I love peace and kindness and love but I also get hurt I just don’t know how to express it. Am not a love robot. Am a loving human Being.
It came to my attention that over the years since I made the decision I would have seasons where I would feel a very deep soul hurt in the most random moments and places. one time when I was walking through the university in my year 2,I broke down and just started crying and could not even attach the pain to a reason. It just hurt. Like all the things I had ignored had come back to bite me. This has kept recurring.(The random breakdowns)
After reading the Gifts of imperfection by Brene Brown this year I realised that when you block pain, you also block your ability to embrace Joy Fully. And many things made sense. I figured out why am not so excited about many things.
I think after acknowledging my crisis and realising the disadvantages that comes with numbing pain. I talked to a select few and I prayed about it too. The Spirit begun a work in me and so the healing process begun.
In July this year for the first time I felt that emotional attachment mothers talk about towards their kids. Before that I just knew I loved her because my feelings went on holiday with the pain i blocked, love for me has always been a decision not a feeling/emotion.
I do get emotional sometimes but I always check myself and that has limited my experience with Emotions. (I only go full out ugly cry when I read or watch a movie those are my emotions safe spaces)
I can’t find words enough to describe the Joy of a mother watching her child smile. But I felt it and that was proof my healing is in motion. It also meant I was going to start feeling the hurtful emotions as well.
And so this brings me back to the Poem. I felt all that I expressed in there and I could not function.
The realisation of going through this motherhood journey single hit hard and this time I did not check myself, I decided to allow to experience what I have been blocking.
And I am so in awe of Jesus for holding my hand through this. It was painful but I was not alone. Also, it didn’t last long. Once you follow Christ everything is nice. You begin to see the beauty in the ashes. He turns shame into Glory.
When I look into how far I have come in the walk of life, I know that I would not have tapped into this creative side of mine if I had not experienced the pain of being a single mom. I had totally different perspective , but that has changed.
All the pain led me to seek solace in the arms of my Father God, the one my mama introduced me to when I was a kid. And God opened my eyes to purpose.
I came from a place of not believing in legacy and hiding the light under the table to sharing stories with the intention of communicating the heart Of God. To changing a life one story at a time.
The question of why do bad things happen to good people? I asked that a lot. Am going to quote a man of God who I listened to early this year.
Why do bad things happen to good people?
Change the narrative.
What do good people do when bad things happen?
Bad things happened to Jesus too.
But God builds back better,
The crisis is a testimony that the Lord has overcome.~ a man of God.
To be here right now thriving having peace and a joy beyond my understanding.
I can’t even explain how I have survived the survive but I am here now.
I have overcome.
I have lots to share… Like how the sabbatical gave me a best friend. (Second time am saying this without hesitation. The first one ghosted me, actually, me and buddy we’re both ghosted by our ex besties🤣🤣🤣 feels like too much girl drama but anyway we plan to share our experience on being ghosted)
Next week Friday I will continue this long story…
But before I run.
🥁 🥁 🥁 🥁 (drum rolls)
(share what you’re grateful for in the comments or buy me chocolate. Also my stats were great when I was away. To everyone that visited this space you have a special place in my heart and heaven.😘😘)
Until next time (Monday is 4 devotions)
Be kind, be humble, spread love.